Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Yep, it's official...

I am the biggest friggin loser whore bitch that ever walked the planet.  I am nothing but a complete waste of space, and it's so obvious why practically everyone hates me.  I hate me. I hate me soooo much it hurts.  But at the same time... I am numb.

Gaga inspired tattoo?

So yah, been obsessing about getting a Gaga inspired tattoo or some tattoo anyway the past day and night.  I was just really inspired by her Born this Way single... I mean, the song's not my favorite by any means, but I love the idea of the lyrics, you know, with my whole depression thing... I would love a reminder that I am who I am and I should love and accept myself instead of hating myself the way I do now...  I was thinking either a "born this way" tattoo of some sort or maybe the lyrics: "Rejoice and love yourself today, cause baby, you were born this way".  Idk... if anyone ever reads this and has an idea, please let me know... I'm not super artistic and even though I'd love to design my own tat and am working on it, I doubt it'll turn out any good.  I suppose I should just work with an artist, but that requires time and energy and  I just don't have right now.  But yah, I was thinking of it as a b-day present to myself... I've never been inspired by anyone so much as Gaga.  I love her music, fashion, and what she stands for, and I know I could use a daily reminder to love myself...

Oh well, I'm too tired to write anymore just now... didn't sleep well last night.  Later.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Just another boring Monday...

Hello nonexistent readers, hope you're all having a good day, lol.  Pretty typical Monday for me: class all morning of which I spent most of the time doodling and writing lyrics to Lady Gaga songs out in the margins... at least I didn't skip any though!  Had a horrible aerobic activities class after lunch; we did an hour of cardio including stair-stepping and jump rope.  YUCK.  And the heat was blasting in the room so it was hotter than hell.  Yah, gross.  But I took a relaxing shower and then actually got some homework done for about an hour and a half, crazy, right?  Meetings for my Greek house all night tonight, and unfortunately two long labs tomorrow.

But anyway, I've been starting a countdown to some fun times ahead, trying to think of something positive, so here it is:
5 days until Winter Break
And 31 days until my 21st b-day and I can finally order a frggin glass of wine at dinner.  I mean seriously, the drinking age limit here is ridiculous.  You can vote and join the army at 18, but don't you dare touch any alcohol.  I mean, hell, it's been almost a century since Prohibition (which was also ridiculous) get over it people!

But anyway, other than that not much new to report.... rained a lot today, which I normally hate, but it's been so warm and it was only a drizzle so it didn't bother me much.  I'm just to the point where I really don't give a shit about pretty much anything, good or bad, anymore, so yah.  But if I'm talking about the weather, it's time to get off.

Until next time...

Sunday, February 20, 2011

My First Blog Ever!

Ok, so despite the shitty mood I've been in the past several months, (well, years really), I'm actually a little excited about starting this blog.  I don't even know if anyone will read it or give a shit, but that's ok, I'm doing it to help myself, so I guess that's all that matters.  I would love though for others who are fighting depression to find this page and just- I don't know- share their stories with me.  Maybe we can give each other support.  In this disease where I feel so absolutely alone... it would be really nice to know I'm not the only one out there, because it feels like that a lot of the time...

Anyway, I suppose you'd like to know a bit about me, maybe a few more details than my little "about me" section provides... As far as the depression goes, I've been struggling with it since about age 13, although at that time I'd never even heard of depression- I had no idea what was wrong with me, I just knew I was in so much pain I could hardly stand it, all I wanted to do was sleep, I lost interest in pretty much everything, and felt so so alone in the world.  No one noticed, cared, or wanted to help me.  I don't exactly know what triggered it all specifically, I actually have a pretty wonderful life.  But it was a lot of things at once, I think, and I just totally lost myself.  I've never really recovered from that...

So yah, been fighting this ever since, although all I'd love to do is give in and go to bed.  Just started taking meds for it though this past year... cymbalta 60mg a day.  It helped a lot when I first started it, plus absolutely killed my appetite, which was a bonus, but it stopped working months ago.  After the battle with my insurance company to get it though, I hated to stop taking it... I was kinda hoping I'd start to feel better... but I actually just keep getting worse. I'm actually in the process of scheduling an appointment with my doc though to talk about it and possibly up the dose/ switch meds, so we'll see.

But yah, the symptoms have varied over the years, but I mostly just have no motivation whatsoever.  Not even to get out of bed or take a shower.  I've been skipping my classes a lot this month, but managing to maintain my grades nonetheless, thank goodness.  Although I am taking an online class that I basically have done zero work for, which kinda sucks.  Also just hate myself, and hate my life, and no matter what happens, even good things, I just can't enjoy anything anymore.  I've stopped going to some of my activities too, feigning illness, although I do have severe back and neck aches, stomach and headaches, and dizziness/ nausea with all of this.  I never feel good anymore.  And I sleep like 13 hours a day more or less, at least 8 hours every night and often several naps during the day- I just can't stay awake, and feeling crappy (emotionally and physically) all the time is exhausting.

I am seeing a therapist at school- I like her, and it does help in some ways, but in other ways it can be triggering as far as cutting/ feeling worse goes.  The cutting thing is rather new, actually, as far as this illness goes... just started it this year b/c of therapy.  It stresses me out, and I never ever talk about any of this to anyone, so bringing it up, even just a tiny tiny bit at a time, just makes me crazy sometimes.  But I'm trying to work on it...  Most of the time it just helps relieve the tension, you know, it feels good, although other times it's a punishment for the shitty person I am... But yah, trying to get it under control.

So yah, enough about all that crap.  Seriously, I know that's what this blog is about, but anyone that reads all this is probably uber bored by now... In other news... well... idk... tomorrow's monday and I hate mondays and I don't know if I'll even be able to budge from bed... ugh, that's gonna suck.  But I do have Winter Break in 5 days, so yay!  Something happy!  Sometimes being home sucks as much as being at school, but usually it's better, and at least I can sleep in and won't have to go to class, although I'm sure they will load us down with homework... but I can see my babies (my animals) and relax a bit anyway.

Well... I'm really tired and blah, kinda done writing right now, so I guess that's it for tonight.  Hope you aren't tired of me already- I'm sure I sound like a complaining brat- and I hope maybe one day this will all change.  I doubt it... but you never know.  As my "code name" suggests, lol, only time will tell...

Peace out!